At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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