Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize