Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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