Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
