In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
