I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
