Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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