Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
