Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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