the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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