I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
