at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
