Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
