I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
