She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
