Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
