My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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