If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
