I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
