we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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