i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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