please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
