Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
