I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
