So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
