I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
