So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
