Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
