Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
