My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
