So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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