I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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