I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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