How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
