hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
