imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
