I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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