All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
