I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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