I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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