Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
