if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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