I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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