I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
