I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
