go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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