Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
