I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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