my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
