If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
