I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
